Jesus's Birthday - Or, The Lost Gospel of Judas

Henceforth cometh the five and twentieth day of the final month of the Roman year, and the friends of Jesus arriveth at his home, the house of Mary and Joseph, to do homage unto Him on this especial day.

Cometh Matthew, and presenteth a gift.  Jesus unwrappeth it and findeth one score and ten gold coins.  Matthew sayeth, “I givest Thou, Lord, one golden coin for each year Thou hast been upon the firmament.”  And sayeth Jesus unto him, “I thoughest thou had repented of thine ill-gotten booty of thine tax collector days.  Taketh these coins, and doeth what be fitting unto righteousness.”  And Matthew taketh the coins, and departeth.

Then cometh Peter, and giveth unto the Lord an unwrapped gift of one score and ten fishes.  Sayeth Jesus unto him, “I appreciateth the thought, but I toldest thou:  that thou art no longer a fisher of fish, but a fisher of men.  Takest thine carnal fishery and begone.”  And hence Peter departeth with his goods.

Then also cometh Judas Iscariot (whose name being translated meaneth: “Judah, Man Of The City”), and presenteth a gift.  Jesus unwrappeth it and findeth a metal crucifix of the Roman style, being cast of cuprum (copper), of the coins Judas receiveth for the Lord (for he holdeth the bag).  And Jesus beholding it sayeth, “Blessed art thou Judas -- for thou hast not only glorified the Son of Man in the manner of His death, but also hast discovered thine worldly ways in a manner that pleaseth the Lord.  Come forward, and reclineth thou at mine right hand as I eateth.”

And so the Lord giveth this Gospel to Judas the least of his apostles, and he obeyeth and publisheth it henceforth.

as unearthed & translated from the Aramaic by:  Philip of the Dybel

n.b.:   There are many who dispute the authenticity of this document.  Many say its provenance is unknown, and is attested by a single previously unknown manuscript, which may be spurious.  In fact, some say I just made the whole thing up off the top of my head for a lark.

But I prefer for history to judge the truth of this matter -- for by then “we’ll all be dead”.

08 November 2010